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Thirty Reasons Why OU will beat Texas
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Sooners have plenty working in their favor
Thirty reasons Oklahoma will scald the Burnt Orange down in the Cotton Bowl...
1. Vince Young's on the Titans. And there's nowhere for Texas offensive coordinator Greg Davis to hide.
2. Former Longhorn quarterback Major Applewhite is moving up on the food chain, as he took a job at Rice after spending a season as QB coach at Syracuse.
3. Former OU quarterback Josh Heupel is coaching inside the Switzer Center, and helping turn Paul Thompson into the Sooners' biggest feel-good story since Heupel himself threw circles around the Longhorns.
4. With a name like "Colt McCoy," Texas' freshman quarterback has no business playing this big a football game. He belongs in one of two places â€“ the San Fernando Valley with Dirk Diggler and Amber Waves, or sittin' atop a split-rail fence, scrapin' manure from his boots.
5. According to Texas' media guide, when tackle Justin Blalock runs onto his home field, he says: "Please, Lord, don't let me fall in front of all these people."
6. When Sooner defensive end C.J. Ah You runs onto his, he says: "Please, Lord, don't let me hurt anyone real bad."
7. Texas celebrity sports fan Matthew McConaughey spends his time on the sidelines jumping around and waving his arms like a Cheech & Chong extra. Which, given his recent run of movies, perhaps he is.
8. OU celebrity fan Jim "JR" Ross spends his time at WWE events interviewing witnesses to Oregon-gate.
9. The Longhorns tuned up for the Sooners by picking on I-AA Sam Houston. They've penciled in Whitney Houston for a nonconference game next year. Thelma Houston is on the '08 schedule.
10. Near as we can tell, the Sooners stopped playing individual people 55 years ago after disposing of William & Mary 49-7.
11. Texas cornerback Tarell Brown psyched himself up for the recent Ohio State game, and his anticipated showdown with Buckeye wideout Ted Ginn, by snoozing in the back seat of a car, a gun in his lap and marijuana nearby.
12. OU safety Reggie Smith psyches himself up for every game by picking a new position, and playing it better than anyone else on the field.
13. Texas defensive end Tim Crowder has a dream: to break the NCAA career sack record. With 10 games to play, he's only 39 away from the standard shared by Tedy Bruschi and Derrick Thomas. Atta boy, Tim. Keep after it.
14. Sooner running back Adrian Peterson needs 443 yards to break Billy Sims' school rushing mark. This is very likely his last shot at the Longhorns. Let's just say he has a much better chance at history than Crowder this Saturday.
15. Players don't run laps during Texas' training sessions. They run around campus picking up the Milk Dud boxes emptied by portly strength and conditioning coach Jeff Madden.
16. They don't run laps at OU's, either. They run triathlons. In which Sooner strength maven Jerry Schmidt ups the ante by flattening tires, attaching ankle weights and dumping pirahna into the water.
17. They've got this new scoreboard at Royal Memorial Stadium. A 7,370-footer nicknamed "Godzillatron." They would have installed it last year, had they not been worried that Young might have mistaken the replays for another game and started watching it.
18. What they haven't changed is that silly color, silly mascot, silly band uniform and silly offensive coordinator.
19. Something else that hasn't changed: Bob Stoops.
20. Oh. And Mack Brown. You think one year makes that big a difference?
21. Back inside Texas' media guide, kicker Greg Johnson lists the Bee Gees and Minnie Mouse as favorites. Rumor has it he couldn't take Cat Osterman, the Longhorns' wafer-thin All-American softball pitcher, in the campus arm wrestling derby.
22. It's a pretty good bet that the Sooners' Garrett Hartley can not only out-kick Johnson, but spin him on his finger like a basketball.
23. The Longhorns rolled through the '05 season under the banner "Take Dead Aim." This year, it's "Take Two Aspirin."
24. Saturday's Red River theme for the Sooners: "Take Six out of Seven."
25. Three years after leaving Austin, Texas' Roy Williams is still mafter departing Norman, OU's Roy Williams is still making tackles only he can deliver.
27. Kasey Studdard, the Longhorns' 310-pound guard, once dressed up as a ballerina for Halloween.
28. Sooner linebacker Rufus Alexander finds out about that, he'll likely suit up as the Grim Reaper.
29. OU playmakers Peterson, Thompson and Malcolm Kelly are a serious upgrade over the Longhorn trio of Jamaal Charles, McCoy and Limas Sweed. Peterson, Thompson and Kelly will have had 365 days to think about last year's Red River beating come game time Saturday. Peterson, Thompson and Kelly are all Lone Star natives.
30. Everything is indeed bigger in Texas.
That goes particularly for payback.